being alive

“somebody crowd me with love” (art by alberto zamboni)

there’s a house on my street that everyone says is haunted. it looks it, too. it’s big, and probably the oldest in the area. the lawn is chronically overgrown and there are never cars in the driveway. even the adults in the neighborhood tend to avoid it. when i was ten or eleven, though, a neighbor kid dared me to go knock on the door. everyone followed me to the house, but stayed at the bottom of the driveway. most people assumed there would be no response. when i knocked on the door, though, the door opened. it was an elderly woman, with her dog at her feet, looking out the door confusedly. i don’t remember what i said to cover up what we were actually doing, but it must have worked. she just smiled at me, said something dismissive in the way adults do, and closed the door. later on, i learned that she was a widow. her husband had died, and she lived there alone with her blind dog. her children were all grown, and she didn’t leave the house very often. in a way, we were right. the house was haunted, not by ghosts, but of her memories of the people who once lived there.

i am terrified of ending up like that. the idea of being alone is horrifying to me. actually, perhaps being lonely is the better term. i am so lonely — it cuts me like a knife across my bare chest. i cry every day. i feel like i have no one, like i’m not able to make meaningful connections anymore. i don’t know when i lost that ability but i feel like i lost the one person who truly got me and i miss them and i miss it and i hate how i am now. i don’t know what to do. i hate it, i’m so lonely and so miserable and even when i’m with people i’m lonely. maybe it’s the weather and the fact that it gets dark at 4 pm now or maybe it’s just that i’m depressed but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m so lonely i could scream. it doesn’t change the fact that even when i’m in a room full of people i love and who love me that i feel like i’m alone.

i’m scared i’ll be alone forever. i want to get married one day but who would marry this? i’m a fucking mess. i cry constantly and i push people away and no one fucking likes me. no one wants me with the strength i want them, no one will ever want to be with me.

“actually, you said, love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. it’s like a religion. it’s terrifying. no one will ever want to sleep with you.”

no one will ever want to sleep with me. i just have so much love to give and nowhere to put it anymore. i wish i had somewhere to put it. i wish i was anyone’s first choice. i’ve been the second choice for so long — even for people who are my first choice — and it makes me feel like i’m nothing. it’s hard to not have someone when everyone else has someone. side by side (by side), you know? i don’t like being the odd one out & i always am. i’m so lonely! fuck!

and i haven’t been to therapy in over a month. i’m not medicated. i quit my job. it’s all falling the fuck apart. actually, quitting my job was cool. that was fine. but it’s a loss of communication a loss of a reason to leave the goddamn house. because i don’t leave my house. i don’t, because no one asks me to. i have to be the first one to reach out always i always do and i’m sick and tired of it. i just don’t know. i’m so tired of all of it. (not in a suicidal way — i will not confess that life is too much for me or that i do not understand it.) i am just so lonely and i’m tired of crying myself to sleep and i’m tired of being by myself. i want company, i want someone who will be there.

it doesn’t need to be now. i can wait, i’ve waited for so long, but for god’s sake i don’t want to be alone forever. i want someone who wants me — someone who will hold me and someone who will cry with me and someone who will be there. because what’s the point? what is the fucking point otherwise?