the heart

an open letter to the world, etc (art by malcolm t. liepke)

spring is a season of beginnings and a season of realizing that things haven’t changed as much as you think they have. listen, vulnerability is not my strong suit. expressing my feelings in a sincere manner has never been easy for me and certain events have exacerbated this. even when i want to be sincere and genuine, i get nervous and seize up, too neurotic and my feelings too sharp to express. i think i might be correct when i say that nothing in my life has been improved by this sham of a defense mechanism. i wish above everything that i can be sincere and accept love without a thumbs up and a laugh after and give love without thirteen layers of removal. but here, now, i will try to be sincere. for you.

i think i’ve been in love with you as long as i’ve known you. i know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. i also think that that terrifies me now just as much as it terrified me then. it’s a sad fact, but it’s very hard for me to believe someone can love me. or even like me, really. this isn’t written to guilt anyone or make people feel bad for me, this is me presenting myself to you. so when i realized how much i liked you, i was filled with both hope and resignation. you were so vibrant and likable, i had to pray that you would feel something back towards me. but deeper down i felt the sting of many friendships ruined, of self hatred that was beginning to blossom in the heart of a boy (girl, then) who never felt like he (she) was loved by anyone, let alone someone so beautiful and strong. you know, i had a plan to ask you out. after our last show, i was going to tell you how i felt. i had talked it over with the only lgbt people i knew, i had planned it out in my head, i was ready. but when i saw you everything flew out of my head. so i didn’t say anything. when you texted me, i was in london. there was a huge time difference and i remember that you were up so late, and i had pretty much just woken up. i’m so glad that it happened because i know i could have gone my whole life and never said a word to you. but i’m glad it happened. even though it ended so quickly, i’m glad it happened.

when i got together with someone else, you told me you still had feelings for me, and i tried to forget that. i wanted to try something out, to try to love someone who wasn’t you. and i think i did. i did love them. but they weren’t you. by the time i had ended it with them, you were together with someone else. and it was fine, because above all else, i want you to be happy. that’s all i ever want for you, no matter if i’m there to see it or not. but when we kissed for the first time it hurt, because i realized how much i really did love you. i didn’t say anything. of course i didn’t, why would i do that to you? i wouldn’t do that.

the night i told you how i felt, i was terrified. i was so scared that you’d hate me for it. but you didn’t. and i think deep down that scared me, that you actually liked me. i had never been cared for like that, never had someone even want to be close friends. and when we kissed i got scared again, because what if the strength of my feelings scared you away?

in ‘pink in the night’ mitski said, “and i know i’ve kissed you before, but / i didn't do it right / can i try again?”. i don’t have much to add to that. it’s just out there, from mitski to me to you. i want you to know that i love you, and i’ve kissed you before but can we try again? i would follow you anywhere, do anything, if you just asked. when i hear a love song my first thought is you and it’s a blessing and a curse. i want to be with you, or not be with you, or just be there. i will be whatever you want me to be, because i want you to be happy because i love you.

take this how you will. i needed to put it into the world, to tell you. it’s sappy and romantic and silly but it’s mine and i wrote it for you.